If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do.

10:35am: March Madness
***My grandma had her final chemotherapy treatment earlier this week; the tumor is gone from the soft tissue, but there remains a small tumor on her bone. She'll begin a radiation regimen in a little over a month (five days a week for five weeks), and if all goes well with that, she'll be in remission. She's not out of the woods just yet, but I feel like we can see the finish line; it's a good feeling.

***I just can't seem to get into the NCAA tournament this year. Maybe it's the fact that my alma mater isn't playing (in the men's or women's tourney), maybe it's the fact that my job hasn't afforded me much time to follow the sport. I didn't fill out a bracket (marking the first time in about six or so years), though I have been watching whatever games I can while not at work. It just feels weird.

***I'm going to hold off on my job search until June; if Ebonee does in fact leave in June to return to grad school then, I'm going to apply for her job. It's at least $12,000 a year more than I'm making now, and I really think it's something I can manage. The only thing that bothers me about working at HU is Ebonee, so with her gone, I should be fine again.

***That said, I noticed yesterday where ODU is seeking applicants to be the radio voice of the football team next season. I know I'd be a longshot, since I've never broadcast football before (and ODU didn't pick me for the basketball broadcasts), but I still feel like I should go for it. One of those things where I might kick myself if I don't, you know?

11:55am: Finally!
Remember all that money Tribune Company owed me from November, December and February? Well, I'm finally gonna get paid that money tomorrow. Believe me, that $300 will come in very handy. About damn time, too, stupid corporate morons.

Also, I'm one payment away from finally paying off my 2007 taxes. Even better, I only owe around $500 this year, so no need for a payment plan!

12:26am: Watchmen Movie Review
( SPOILERS WITHIN! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! )

11:25am: Major Relief
There was a chance before yesterday my mother could've lost her job. Hampton City Schools, like just about everyone else these days, was in the process of cutting staff to save money, and everyone was told a few months ago that "no one is safe."

A lost job for my mother would've meant no way to pay the mortgage, which would've meant we had no place to live. I'm currently employed, but my check doesn't even come close to being able to handle the mortgage payment and all my own bills on top of that. The only reason my mother can make it work is because, on top of her paycheck, she still received alimony from my father's estate and his military retirement pay.

Without those, we'd be fucked.

She might not be working at the same school (or even the same grade level) next year, but my mother will be working. Which, at the end of the day, is the most important thing. I'm just glad we don't have to worry about finding somewhere else to live, and I'm glad my mother gets to keep her health insurance -- with all the medications she's on and all the specialists she has to see, losing her job and the benfits that come with it could've been brutal.

Now to make sure I don't get the axe any time soon. HU says it's doing everything it can to avoid staff cuts -- so far, so good. However, there is one staff cut I'd like to see this place make, and if things keep going the way they have, it just might happen.

Seriously, the fact that she makes so much more than me, yet I'm the responsible one, really bugs the hell out of me. But I don't dare speak up about that; I'm all too aware of how it might look for the white guy to start griping about how he's paid or treated at a historically black school.

It's all about appearances, I guess.

10:13am: Updates
-Got my new mattress yesterday; fits perfectly in the bed I already have. It's a little odd getting used to an actual mattress after spending so many years sleeping on a waterbed (three beds in the house, and up until now, they were all waterbeds), but it's a nice mattress. Just glad to be sleeping in my own bed in my own room again.

-My laptop is close to normal again, thanks to reinstalling Windows and all that. I lost everything (note to self: from now on, burn CDs like nobody's business!), but at least my computer works again. Well, aside from the keyboard. It's a bit slow.

-My friend Frank and I are going to see Watchmen on Saturday at the IMAX theatre in Virginia Beach. I was originally going to the midnight showing last night, but work sort of got in the way (I kinda wish I worked with people who knew how to write -- staying up late on game nights to edit their stories is no fun).

-That'll be the first time I've gone out with a friend in weeks; lately, I just haven't wanted to. I come home from work and I just wanna sit and veg at home, and the thought of going out and doing something with someone has just ... I dunno, exhausted me, I guess. On the rare occasion I have gone somewhere after work, it's been by myself. Not sure what that's all about.

11:36pm: Watchmen
So I finished Watchmen today, not quite a week before the release of the movie. While I'm still looking forward to the movie, and certainly appreciate the literary genius of the graphic novel and its importance on the medium, there are still several things on which I'm not sure how I feel.

Thoughts are under cut-tag for those who haven't read the graphic novel and don't want to be spoiled before the movie.

( Watchmen Musings (SPOILERS WITHIN) )

All in all, a really good read, and it has me looking forward to the movie even more. I can see why everyone reveres this book, even with my questions and minor issues. It is, though, easily the heaviest and deepest comic I've ever read -- to the point where I could make the argument that high school and college literature classes need to start assigning it.

12:03am: About Time
Well, it only took about two and a half years, but I finally finished reading Angels & Demons by Dan Brown (ya know, The Da Vinci Code guy). I bought the book in the Dallas airport in July 2006 when I was stuck there overnight, read the first half of the book in about a week and then for some reason just ... stalled.

Having just breezed through three Kathy Reichs books (Devil Bones, Bones to Ashes, Break No Bones), I figured finishing Angels & Demons was in order, especially since the movie will be out soon.

Side note: The geek in me wants a crossover novel in which Dr. Temperance Brennan and Robert Langdon team up to solve a particularly vexing series of murders with religious implications.

I also now have the Witchblade Compendium, which compiles the first 50 issues of the comic book. I used to like Witchblade in its early days, so I thought that would be the perfect collection, especially since I missed some of the older issues and pretty much anything after issue 38 or so.

Rest peacefully, Michael Turner. Some of us still love your work.

That reminds me: I need to finish reading Watchmen before the movie comes out. I also need to get to the comic book store -- I think I'm behind on my Buffy and Angel stuff.

10:32pm: Huzzah! Again!
My mattress has finally been ordered. Since the company that's financing me dragged their feet on getting me the rest of the money (which pissed off the guy selling me the mattress), the price was hacked from $780 to $550 -- and the whole thing's financed.

So in two weeks, I'll have a new mattress, and I won't have to pay anything on it for a month, when my payments of about 80 a month will start. Huzzah and other such exultations of happiness!

Now, to get that damn credit card ...

11:56am: Mattress Update
The mattress guy called me last night, said he got me approved for that no credit financing thing ... but he could only get me approved for $450 (the mattress costs about $780, cause I had to have it custom-made). He said to give him until tomorrow to get me the rest of the cost financed, but that makes me wonder: why could he only get me approved for part of the price?

The mind, it doth boggle.

10:54am: Good News!
The tumor on my grandmother's arm is completely gone. They're going to give her the last two rounds of chemo anyway (a "just to be safe" measure), there's going to be a test to make sure the lymphoma didn't spread into her bones (we doubt it did, but checking is the smart thing to do) and because of her age, they're going to do a test to make sure the chemo hasn't affected her heart.

There's even a chance she'll have to undergo a little radiation once chemo's over. But given the advances in medicine (they gave her another drug with the chemo that kept all the side effects aside from losing her hair away), I'm told radiation isn't that bad anymore.

And it bears repeating: the tumor in my grandmother's arm is gone.

I knew this was going to be a good day.

10:48pm: Ugh, Credit
I need to get a credit card. But I don't want to get a credit card.

I need to buy a mattress, and I tried to finance one today. But my credit application was denied -- even though I know I have a very good credit score. I can still finance the mattress, thanks to the store's "no credit check" plan, but still ... I thought I was in the clear.

I haven't been told why I was denied yet, but some independent research tells me some bureaus will deny a credit app because the person doesn't have enough credit. Other than my Dell account and the student loans I'm repaying, I have no other open accounts in my credit report. Apparently, they want you to have at least three at a time.

Which is where credit cards -- the one thing I don't want right now -- could come in. I just have to be very careful with it.

Sometimes I think this whole being a grown up thing is horribly overrated.

12:53pm: I really hope FOX gives Dollhouse a decent chance to get a following, cause I thought the pilot was really good. I think the show has a lot of potential, and I hope the network lets it breathe and mature a little. Considering how FOX has marketed the hell out of the show, I feel a little confident, even though the network did the same with Drive, another show I liked that got the axe way too soon.

Still, I like Dollhouse. Maybe I found the replacement for Heroes, which I am officially done with after struggling through half of the season 4 premeire online.

10:31am: Dreaming
I usually don't pay the dreams I have in my sleep much mind -- mostly because half the time they don't make any sense and I rarely remember them after the fact anyway.

But last night I had one so vivid that I remember almost every detail. Pretty sure it meant something too, considering the subject matter.

( The dream )

And then the alarm went off. Other than being a little tired (I really need to stop crashing at 2 a.m.), I feel like a weight lifted off my shoulders. Things are calmer in my head, and even though I know I have a long way to go, this was something I needed.

I just know it.

11:55pm: Kick-ass
Saw Taken tonight -- really good action flick. Liam Neeson's a lot more badass than I remember.

12:14pm: Just Being Random
-I love watching the snow fall, even when I know it's not sticking to the ground and won't get us out of work. There's just something about watching flakes fall that's calming.

-I got off work today after an hour because something made the power go out in the office and shut down all the computers. Apparently in sports information, you can't do shit without computers. Oddly enough, though, the lights and phones still worked.

-The pay situation with the Tribune Company is really starting to piss off my editor. Then again, the corporation picked a hell of a time -- right in the middle of a bankruptcy claim -- to introduce a new software program to file freelance invoices. The new system in a pain in the ass, especially with so few of us freelancers actually receiving our money.

-Last night's episode of Bones kicked ass. Seriously.

-You know what other show I love? Lie To Me. Tim Roth is genius, and I've missed Kelli Williams since she left The Practice.

-I'm really looking forward to seeing Dollhouse.

-I missed the season premiere of Heroes on Monday because of a basketball game. I trust I didn't miss anything terribly convoluted?

-I'm going out of town next week, Thursday through Saturday, for the 2009 MEAC Indoor Track & Field Championships in Landover, Md. It'll be the first time I've had to travel with this sports information gig. Part of me's excited because -- hello -- free travel, but on the other hand, I'm kind of dreading it. Not sure why, since I like track.

-Then again, I will have to miss the Eastern Region high school wrestling tournament for the first time in three years. Bummer.

-Oh, well -- I should be back on Sunday for the Daytona 500.

-I've redone my sports blogs, and they need readers! For general sports stuff, head over to http://truenatlchamps.blogspot.com/, and for NASCAR, go to http://stuckinthepits.blogspot.com/.

-The Super Bowl this year owned. The commercials? Not so much.

2:36pm: Oh, Chapter 11 -- How I Hate Thee
So I talked to someone from the Tribune Company about my decided lack of payment for work I did back in November and December, and here was how things were explained to me:

My payment for November was never processed, because the invoice was sent before Dec. 8 (the date Tribune Company, which owns the Daily Press, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy). In order to receive that money, I -- as well as any other freelancer -- have to fill out a claim form for the bankruptcy court. I filled one out and mailed it in.

According to the guy I spoke with, my December pay wouldn't be affected at all, since I submitted that invoice after Dec. 8. Apparently, they're just taking their old sweet time with that one.

Hopefully I'll get paid for that work; if this becomes too much of an issue, I might have to stop doing freelance work for the newspaper. As much as I enjoy it, I can't afford to do it for free.

12:01pm: Best Day of the Month
I love payday. It doesn't come around near often enough.

Which reminds me, the Tribune Company still owes me $200 for work I did in November and December. I need to jump down their throats for that.

Cause that money could really help.

11:29am: O.O
Ebonee just asked me how to spell "unattainable" ... which, okay, some people have trouble spelling words. I spell the word for her, and she utters the following:

"Wow, that's a lot of letters."

This an hour after she told me she sent me a bowling story to edit -- only it was actually tennis. This isn't quite on the level of that girl in my 11th-grade chemistry class asking me what the chemical formula for H2O is, but it's on the list.

8:55pm: Not Bond
Saw Defiance last night -- really good movie, even if it just crawls at times. I do like Daniel Craig, though -- when he's not trying to convince all of us he's the next James Bond (I, for one, don't buy it).

Oh, and J.J. Abrams? You get one more chance with me with that Star Trek thing you're doing. But if you fuck this up, too -- I'm done. You've been a shithead since you brought out Lost, and I'm tempted to make you re-do the last two seasons of Alias. On second thought, I'll have Joss do it -- you know, when he's not doing Dollhouse.

7:53pm: Random
My office is colder than it is outside. There's something horribly wrong with that.

8:05pm: Seeking Catharsis
( To my late ex )



( To my father )



( To my other ex )



( To my friends )

1:24am: Rebounding
---To everyone who has tried to cheer me up in recent days and weeks, whether it be through this journal or over IM or on the telephone or wherever, thank you. Your words and the effort behind them mean a lot, and they actually helped a good deal. The battle with my own self-esteem appears to be a daily one, and though there are days where I win, there are still far too many where I lose, and it's nice to know there are those around me who love me and care about what I'm going through. Even if I sometimes feel like I don't deserve it.

---I realize the official NaNoWriMo is in November -- and that I'm still not finished my first draft of my first novel, even though I met the 50,000-word goal -- I'm tempted to try it again, on my own this time. I'm reading a book titled No Plot? No Problem! a Low-Stress, High-Velocity Guide to Writing a Novel in 30 Days written by NaNoWriMo founder Chris Baty, and it has me excited to try the process all over again ... this time with a novel not based on the Buffyverse.

---Everyone knows how much I love the TV show Bones, and now I've become hooked on the novels written by Kathy Reichs that were the inspiration behind the show. I've finished her most recent novel, Devil Bones, and I just started what many consider her best work, Bones to Ashes. She's a really good writer, and I like the first-person perspective she uses -- that, and I'm always in the mood for more Temperance Brennan. I can actually hear the TV Brennan talking when I read these novels, and even though I've yet to see any sign of an FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth, I still recommend Reich's books to anyone looking for a good read.

---First the Tampa Bay Rays go to the World Series, now the Arizona Cardinals are in the Super Bowl. What's next? Robby Gordon wins the NASCAR Sprint Cup this year? If that happens, I'm switching over to Formula 1.

---Less than a month until the Daytona 500. Gawd, I can't wait.

---Yes, I'm still a bit of a redneck. I didn't outgrow all of it. :P

---Grandma update: She's doing well, despite fainting this morning (though we think that was just low blood pressure or low blood sugar). She's had five chemo treatments so far, and she'll have an MRI on Tuesday to check the size of the tumor in her arm. They'll give her one more treatment on the 26th before deciding how to proceed next -- if the tumor's gone after the next treatment, she might not need the final two treatments. No word yet on radiation after the chemo's done. She's doing fine, though, and she appreciates everyone's thoughts and prayers -- as do I.

---Got a bit of perspective the other day while working on a feature story for the Hampton University athletics website. Jericka Jenkins, a freshman on the school's women's basketball team, is a cancer survivor. She was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 14. That means she spent most of high school enduring chemotherapy and trying to find the energy to keep playing basketball. She's been cancer-free for a year and a half now and she's an incredible ball player -- but her strength is even more impressive, and it gives me a nice dose of perspective when it comes to my problems.

11:14pm: Unwanted
( BEWARE: Read at your own risk. )

12:03pm: Odds and Ends
---I forgot how much I love covering the Virginia Duals -- and wrestling in general. It might not be the most popular or glamorous sport in the world, but the passion is unmatched and the competition is intense. Some of the stories within the sport are amazing to hear and write about, and everyone's enthusiasm for what they do is infectious.

And there's no Ebonee. That counts for a lot.

---Speaking of Ebonee, I'm getting tired of hearing her gripe about how unhappy she is with her job in the office. I think it's horribly unprofessional to complain about your job while you're at said job, where all your colleagues can hear you. There's a lot to be said for office morale, and hearing about how unhappy someone is can make everyone else not want to be there, too.

Hell, if she's really that unhappy with her job, let me take it. I'll do it better, and I can use the $11,000 pay increase.

---Munchie wants me to move in with him once his mom moves out of the house they're staying in. It's a nice house in a nice neighborhood, and I have to admit I like the thought of moving out of my mom's house. Only problem is, rent's $600 a month per person -- which currently makes up half of a paycheck.

Unless I get a raise, or a better-paying job, that's a no-go.

---The New Year's resolutions are slow going. I've been eating better -- I tried this oriental chicken salad at Applebees yesterday and about died, it was so good -- but I've yet to begin working out again and I haven't yet started looking for another job. I will get to those, though, and as much as I want to, I won't quit my job at Hampton unless and until I have something else lined up. I realize pickings are really slim right now, but it wouldn't hurt to at least look.

If nothing else, I could bide my time at Hampton until I can get back into grad school. That won't be easy, either, but that won't stop me from trying.

---Yes, for all my bluster about how much I don't like myself and how low my self-esteem is, I still keep trying to make things better for myself. I guess that means I'm either incredibly stubborn and pig-headed, or as strong as everyone says I am. I think I'll go with the latter; the ego boost is bigger.

And right now, I need all the help I can get.

---I need to finish that novel, already. I'm still two chapters away from being done, and I have all these other novel ideas running around in my head. I would love to begin a career as a novelist and maybe even a screenwriter, though this first novel probably won't ever get published (unless I get permission from Joss Whedon -- please?).

Still, it's another option. And again, no Ebonee.

4:35pm: Who the fuck cares anymore? Seriously?