If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do.

1:44pm: Updates
I hope everyone had a really good holiday. Mine was really good.

-Grandma's doing well; she's had three chemo treatments and she appears to be tolerating them. She still has all her hair, and she's completely fine aside from occasional fatigue. It was also really nice to visit her and not once have to go to the hospital.

-My cousin Jenny, who I only see on Christmas, stunned all of us over holiday dinner by announcing that she was going to quit her job with a fashion design firm in Philadelphia to go back to school. Where's she going? Harvard! Holy shit, I couldn't be any prouder.

-Didn't get as many Christmas presents as in years past, but that's by design. Since money's tight between me and my mom, we've decided that the NASCAR races we attend would be the bulk of our Christmas and birthday presents, which reduced how much Christmas shopping I had to do. It's a nice setup, and it was still a really good holiday.

-Picked up a book recently: The Writer's Journey: Mythic Structure for Writers by Christopher Vogler ... I cannot begin to express how helpful this book has been. It's an update of a book I used in my screenwriting class, and it's gone a long way to helping me shake the seemingly perpetual writer's block. Highly recommend this book for any writer.

-I'll probably (finally) finish Chapter 6 of Notna before the end of the week, now that I'm unblocked. Hope everyone's enjoying it.

-Two future writing projects in the wings -- Bounty, a spin-off of Notna (probably in a month and a half or so) and that Faith fanfic I've been talking about for years. I've finished the first chapter and have several of the storylines for that mapped out. The IJ page for the Faith fanfic is already up: http://have-faith.insanejournal.com/. Follow along!

11:13am: Updates Updates Updates
-So I've failed at NaNoWriMo this year, spectacularly so. I tried the same story I did last year, when I wrote just over 15,000 words without bothering to outline the plot or anything. This year, I outlined the plot and everything ... and only managed 5,000 words. So ... yeah. I guess political suspense isn't really my thing.

-I've also slacked on the latest chapter of Notna; I've been stuck in the middle of chapter 6 for the last month. Part of it's been real life getting the way -- work and the like -- but some of it was writer's block too. Hopefully, I can finish chapter 6 soon and get this story rolling again.

-By the way ... is anyone reading Notna? If you are, what do you think so far?

-Grandma update: A few weeks ago, the hospital conducted a test on the tumor removed from her colon to try and determine the likelihood of the cancer returning (and thus determining whether she'll need chemo). There were three benchmarks -- the low end = no chemo, the middle = patient's decision, the high end = chemo. My grandmother's tumor was in the middle range, so she'll start chemo ... again. They say this blend won't be as toxic as before, but it still worries me. She goes in today to have the port put in her chest and she gets the first treatment tomorrow.

-Job search is still on-going, though not as quickly, since job postings seem to have crawled to a stop in the last month. I find it hard to believe there are no SID openings anywhere. I realize everyone's just started basketball season, but that hasn't stopped people from leaving before.

-In the week leading up to the Hampton-ODU football game, Hampton's football players took every chance they could to tell me how they were gonna kick ODU's ass all the way back to Norfolk. Well, since ODU beat Hampton 28-14 (and it really wasn't even that close), those same players haven't said a word to me. Moral of the story, kids? Trash talk at your own risk.

-System of a Down reuniting for some shows in 2011? Sweet ... but can we get some U.S. dates please? Preferably ones close to Virginia?

11:04am: Our Future, Ladies and Gentlemen ...
Overheard at the mall yesterday: "Dude, look at the rack on that one!" I turn around, and there's this teenage boy ... ogling a mannequin. The boy's amazed by a set of fake, plastic boobs. And apparently, he's not afraid to admit it. Loudly.

One of the midterms I'm grading for a golf class my boss teaches: "Tiger Woods is considered the greatest golfer of all time not named Jack Nicholson." Oh. My. Gawd. Really? I suppose it's too much to ask for a guy taking a golf class to know golf, but you can't even use Google or Wikipedia to get the name right?

Jack Nicholson played The Joker in the first Batman movie. Jack Nichlaus played golf.

Maybe Rupert Giles was right. Maybe we are, in fact, all doomed.

2:18pm: Random Odds and Ends
-Dear energy drink makers not named Red Bull; please start making cans smaller than 16 oz. Not all of us want to down that much carbonated sugar. Red Bull might be more expensive than most other energy drinks, but at least I can by an 8 oz. or 12 oz. can if I need a boost.

-Then again, I'm trying to wean myself off energy drinks entirely for health reasons, so ignore all the above. It just makes better business sense to offer consumers variety.

-It's my understanding that much of the appeal of Glee is the singing. Ergo, one would think that all Glee-related merchandise would try to maintain that appeal. DVD of the first season? Check. CD soundtracks? Check. Novels based on the series? Umm ... what?

-Going to Dover this weekend for the first time. Can't wait!

-I totally forgot to take pictures when I went to Richmond a few weeks ago. Not that it matters; if you've seen my Richmond photo album from back in May on Facebook, everything would've been pretty much the same. Still, oops.

-A little more than a month until the start of NaNoWriMo. In spite of my better judgment, I want to try it again this year. I guess plotting should commence soon.

-Guess writing Chapter 6 of Notna would be nice, too.

-Sooner or later, I'm gonna create IJ pages and Twitter accounts for my Faith fanfic series and Bounty as well. My stories will (finally) be told!

10:35am: Great News!
So Grandma's surgery on Tuesday went well; they removed all of the tumor, and subsequent tests on her surrounding lymph nodes and tissue showed no signs of the cancer spreading. Her colonoscopy last month showed the tumor to an about an inch long, but when they took it out during surgery, it wound up being about the size of a fist -- I'm not sure if the colonoscopy just got a bad look at it, or if the rumor grew that much in a little less than a month.

Either way, the tumor's out. Grandma now has an appetite again, and her anemia is more than likely cleared up, since the tumor, on top of being this fist-sized mass wedged in her colon, was bleeding.

They kept her in ICU overnight on Tuesday following the surgery, mostly for precaution since she had breathing trouble heading into surgery (likely a combination of the anemia and the drugs and the fact that she hadn't eaten anything since the Saturday before -- side note: prepping for colon surgery is *not* pretty), before moving her into a high-level care room on Wednesday. There, she was hooked up to an IV giving her fluids, a catheter, a heart monitor (they're saying her chemo from the lymphoma was giving her congestive heart failure) and a tube down her throat that cleared blood and gunk out of her stomach to keep her from getting sick.

On Thursday, they moved her -- with all that crap attached to her -- to a regular room. By Friday, she was talking of how she was starting to feel hungry again, but until she had the tube removed from her throat, there'd be no eating and doctors were waiting to remove the tube until her bowels began working again.

That happened on Saturday; they took the tube out and put her on a liquid diet, before graduating her to solid foods on Sunday. With color back in her cheeks and feeling more energetic than she had in a long while, Grandma was up and moving around, eating more food than I usually put away and seeming more like herself than I've seen in a while. It was really nice to see.

They discharged her yesterday. She might even be able to skip chemo since they got the entire tumor -- though they said if she does need it, it won't be nearly as toxic as the last batch she had.

All in all, though, she's doing extremely well. My grandmother -- all 76 years of her -- has beaten back cancer twice in the span of two years. She's as tough as my grandfather, who's spent the last 16 years dealing with diabetes, as well as a heart attack *and* a stroke. I can only hope that I'm that durable and resilient should health problems ever befall me.

Oh, and by the way? The hospital she was in was freakin' sweet.

10:14pm: Odds and Ends
-Had a great time in Richmond for the race, as always. Forgot to take pictures, though. Oops. Can't wait for Dover on the 26th.

-For all my frustration with regards to Hampton, I at least have a kick-ass boss. Maurice rules.

-I leave for grandma's tomorrow. Thoughts and prayers as she heads into surgery on Tuesday.

-Chapter 5 of Notna has been posted to the series' IJ page, gem_of_notna.insanejournal.com. You can also follow on Twitter, if you don't already, @GemOfNotna. I hope to have Chapter 6 ready when we get back from West Virginia.

Much love, all.

8:15pm: More Shit
-ESPN called me today to tell me I was no longer a candidate for the position of production research assistant. No reason given, no "best of luck to you in the future," just a call to tell me I was no longer being considered. Oh, look -- yet another job I'm not good enough to have. I guess I should just be lucky that ESPN called. It's more than ODU or Norfolk State gave me.

-When I found out Norfolk State wouldn't be hiring me, my college buddy Twinkie joked the school didn't want two white guys in the sports information office (the SID, Matt, is white). Considering Norfolk State is an HBCU, such a reality is possible, though no one would ever actually admit it. But I met the new Assistant SID the other night ... and he's white. And according to Derrick, who now works at Norfolk State as a compliance officer, this guy's resume pales in comparison to mine. So I'm being beaten out for jobs by lesser-qualified candidates. Yeah, that helps the self-esteem ...

-After yet another member of Hampton's athletic department announced he was leaving for another job, the men's track coach asked me yesterday why people kept leaving -- why there was no loyalty at Hampton. Where do you want me to begin, Coach? Where the fuck do you want me to fucking begin ...

-My grandmother's surgery to remove the tumor from her colon on Sept. 14. Mom and I are going up there, even though I can't officially take time off work. But Maurice told me I could go if I had to, and not to worry about leave hours. But you know what? If Human Resources finds out I left and didn't fill out a leave form, let them not pay me. Let them fuck me over like that place has already fucked me over before. I am fucking OVER Hampton, and the sooner I can get out of that hellhole, the better.

-Guh, can I get a fucking break here?!

5:50pm: Well ... Fuck
My grandmother's cancer is back. It's in her colon.

When we were up for vacation, they found what they thought was a polyp in one of her MRIs. They proceeded to schedule a colonoscopy for last week, during which they took *a piece* of the mass (which confused just about all of us). Today, we found out that it's cancerous.

Grandma meets with a surgeon next week to decide what to do next.

Yippee ...

*sigh*

9:45pm: FAIL
I went out to the driving range this evening to hit a bucket of gold balls, blow off some steam and work on my golf game ... only to realize I couldn't do that when I got there.

Because I'd left my golf clubs at home.

FAIL.

10:47pm: Stuff and Things
-Got back from grandma's on Friday. Had a good trip, despite three trips to hospitals because grandma had a bunch of back-to-back0to-back appointments. Also despite being stung by a wasp I thought we'd killed, but it somehow managed to crawl up my pants leg and get me in the shin. Have I mentioned how much I hate any insect that has a stinger? They're vile creatures, just vile.

-Not going back to work until Wednesday. Oh, how I wish I had the hours to take about a month's worth of leave.

-As possibly previously mentioned, both ODU and Norfolk State jobs went nowhere. Norfolk State's SID tried to tell me personally, but a form letter for HR beat him to it. I think that pissed him off more than it did me.

-Phone interview with ESPN on Friday went well -- it was a lot shorter than I thought. They blocked me off for a half-hour, and I was done in 15 minutes. Job would be in Bristol, Conn., pay between 28K and 34K a year and ESPN offers relocation help. I should know if I'm still in the running in 3-4 weeks.

-Chapter 4 of Notna has been posted. http://gem-of-notna.insanejournal.com.

11:30pm: Update
Heading out town tomorrow, Aug. 9, for a few days in West Virginia with the grandparents. As per usual, no Internet. But I'll be back on Aug. 13 -- and hopefully I'll have at least Chapter 4 of Notna ready to post. If I'm lucky, I'll have Chapter 5, too.

Oh, and I have a phone interview with ESPN on Aug. 13 when we get back. Wish me luck!

9:19pm: More Progress!
Chapter 3 of Notna has been posted! Visit http://gem-of-notna.insanejournal.com/ to read. Notna is also on twitter; you can follow @GemOfNotna for more updates regarding chapters and other such things.

Also, I have phone call with ESPN Wednesday regarding a job I applied for two weeks ago. Production Researcher (basically, the guy who would make sure all on-air scripts and graphics are factually accurate and grammatically correct) ... I don't think this is an interview, per se, but it's something.

Certainly more than Norfolk State gave me. All they gave me was a letter saying I was no longer a candidate for the Assistant SID job. I couldn't even get the interview, despite being personally told of the opening by the SID, who I went to college with.

Maybe it's like Twinkie said ... that would've been too many white guys in one office.

12:06pm: Attention!
The first two chapters of Notna have been posted to the story's IJ page (after much effort and consternation thanks to shoddy work internet).

You can find the story here: http://gem-of-notna.insanejournal.com/

Future chapters will be posted once they're complete. I'll update here as well when new chapters are posted.

Enjoy!

8:26pm: Progress
I've completed the first draft of the first chapter of Notna, one of the comic book stories I've had off and on in my head since high school! Pretty big deal, considering after all these years, I've never quite been able to even finish the first chapter.

Editing of the first chapter has already begun, and I've also started the first draft of the second chapter. Once I finish each chapter, I'm thinking of posting them here on IJ. I've already created an IJ account for the story, and I'll let everyone know once the first chapter's posted.

Now, to get my other three stories up and running.

2:04pm: Well, Shit ...
That whole "working at ODU" thing I've talked about in the last few posts? Yeah, forget it. Not happening. And I was never even told; I only found out by checking the website today.

Thanks a lot, alma mater ...

Apparently, they simply promoted Dustin into the Assistant SID position vacated by Rob when he left to take the SID job at CNU, then hired someone else (read: not me) to fill the Assistant SID job that Dustin had occupied (that I originally applied for and got the phone interview).

After that phone interview, I heard nothing. No updates, nothing telling me Rob's departure was changing things, not even some form letter or email telling me that they went with someone else and emptily thanking me for my interest.

So much for personally knowing those involved in this process at least affording me the courtesy of knowing what the hell was going on.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck ... oh, and in the "even better news!" department, I've heard nothing from Norfolk State yet -- unless you count some bullshit letter I got in the mail last week telling me they've received my application and that they're currently reviewing applicants.

Yippee! More vague "updates" intended to keep me stuck here doing absolutely fuck-all at the job I currently hold and loathe with a sickening passion.

The job I seem to be stuck in, and will likely continue to be stuck in, because apparently hard work doesn't get you anywhere. My whole life, I've been told that working hard and showing initiative would get me somewhere in the world, that ultimately it would all pay off. Well, what has hard work the last couple years gotten me? Laid off from a job I loved that paid me comfortably, forcing me into a low-paying life-sucker of a job that I can't stand and can't leave.

Yeah, hard work pays off. Pays off, my ass ...

5:29pm: Eureka!
Two weeks ago, I bought a book called The Successful Novelist, written by David Morrell (author of such novels as First Blood, The Brotherhood of the Rose and Scavenger). Though it's written with novels in mind, I'm finding it incredibly useful for a variety of literary disciplines.

I'm not even halfway through the book yet, and already I can see it paying off.

For all the chapters on plot and structure and character, the first chapter was perhaps of greatest importance to me. That chapter focused on why we write, what it is inside each and every one of us that prompts us to sit in front of a keyboard and type away, regardless of the creative satisfaction or potential monetary gain.

Reading that chapter was a true eye-opener for me, just as the second chapter, which focused on the steps you take before even writing that first sentence. Morrell wrote that rather than plow through a plot outline (a process I've always found tedious and restricting), it was more beneficial to write out a conversation with yourself relating to the story. Ask yourself everything, talk through every last detail. Ask "Why?" Ask "So what?"

It sounds silly, but I tried it. I sat down last week and started two conversations with myself: one for each of my comic book stories from high school. I'd always had the ideas and plotlines and the characters in my head, but never truly formed them into a series of tales for a variety of reasons (most recently, one bitchin' case of writer's block).

These conversations aren't done yet -- these are intended to be constant, ever-evolving things -- but over the last three days, I've plowed through several character bios and written more than half of the first issue of Notna.

Simply put, this book has been a godsend.

I've even begun dabbling in drawing again; not sure if I'll draw what I've written, or if I'll simply keep my stories in prose. Either way, my stories will eventually be posted online (I'm considering a separate IJ account for each story), and if I'm ever comfortable enough with them, I might be even submit them to comic book companies in hope of publishing.

I'll finish reading Morrell's book, then start diving into another book I bought about the importance of character, written by a pair of psychologists. I seem to have found something that really, truly works, and I'm going to milk this for as long as I can, because I'm writing again, ideas are flowing freely from my brain and it feels so good.

I highly recommend that book for any writer.

7:16pm: Creativenessosity?
Dating back to my middle school years, I've always been a very creative person. As a child, I expressed my creative side through drawing. As I went through high school and into college, I was both drawing and writing, using both in concert to express through art things that I couldn't express any other way.

Even as I grew out of art in college (thanks in part to incredibly stifling art classes), my writing continued to give me that outlet. It didn't matter what I wrote -- comic books, fan fiction, roleplaying, even eventually novels and screenplays -- simply being able to put something on paper or laptop screen that came from my own creative recesses felt good.

It was comforting, knowing that no matter what else went on in my life, I had my creativity.

Lately, for several months in fact, I've lost that. I haven't been able to truly write or draw for the longest time, and I can feel the void it's left in my life. Granted, my frustrations with work have a lot to do with my current emotional funk, but the lack of creative outlet has also played a large part in it.

I've tried writing several times of late; I've tried both NaNoWriMo and Script Frenzy, both of which fell short of the monthly goals. I've tried writing old comic books and fan fictions. The desire has been there, but the creative ability hasn't been. And I'm tired of it.

I'm buying and reading books about writing. Novel writing, screenwriting, character development, dramatic structure -- if I can buy it and read it, I've bought it and am in the process of reading. Creative expression has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, and if I don't have that, then I don't know what would become of my life.

I want to write again. I love writing. Maybe if I start drawing again, that'll help. Maybe simply reading or watching movies and TV shows would help, too.

I really hope all of this works. If it doesn't, it won't be for lack of trying.

7:12pm: Job Stuffs
-I've applied for the Assistant Sports Information Director opening at Norfolk State University. The SID there is an old college buddy of mine, and he told me of the opening personally. NSU is a state school, which means state benefits, and from what I hear, the job could pay me more than double what I currently make. The process might take a while, but I have a good feeling about this thing.

-There might be another opening at ODU, too. One of their Assistant SIDs recently left to take the SID job at CNU, so the minute ODU posts the new opening, I'll apply. I know the last one didn't really pan out, but I didn't honestly expect it to because of circumstances surrounding the "openings." This one would be an honest-to-goodness opening. Fingers crossed.

2:06pm: Step One: Complete
So the phone interview happened, and I think it actually went pretty well.

Not that there's any real way to tell; I wasn't outright told I'd get a face-to-face interview, but Carol (the SID at ODU) gave me the impression I probably would. I should know for sure within the next week or two.

There were a few questions I was expecting that I wasn't asked -- mostly questions about my strengths and weaknesses (honestly? I hate those questions). Something tells me those will pop up if I get a face-to-face interview.

I think, one thing that helped me calm my nerves heading into the interview, I sat down and literally wrote down everything I've done at Hampton University and in my former career as a journalist that I thought was relevant to the ODU position. It worked, because I had something to look at to keep me on-point, so my answers were more concise and I wasn't talking all over the place in trying to answer a question.

I might do something similar if I get the face-to-face. I find it's easier to stay calm when I can keep myself on-track with my responses.

I'd be working with sailing, wrestling, field hockey and lacrosse if I get this job. I already work with sailing at Hampton, and I have extensive experience covering wrestling, field hockey and lacrosse from my days as a newspaper writer -- both in college and in my freelance work. I also explained how I think my experience as a newspaper writer and a broadcaster has helped me in sports information, as I feel I'm able to better anticipate the needs of the media at a given point.

I also explained how my versatility was an asset; while I have four sports at Hampton that are my responsibility (cross country, track, golf and sailing), I've worked with every sport to some degree. Whether it's doing stats for softball or setting up post-game interviews for football or being the PA announcer for volleyball and softball, I've done a lot of things over the last two years -- including some things that might not be considered within the purview of sports information.

In short, I think I've made a strong case for myself.

I'm still nervous, but I feel better about my chances than I did before yesterday. I actually feel like I have a genuine shot at this job, and if I simply keep doing what I've been doing, I'll continue to put my best foot forward and hopefully convince my alma mater to hire me.

Fingers crossed and all that jazz.

5:51pm: Umm ...
So, on Thursday I have a phone interview for the Assistant SID position at ODU.

Yes, ODU.

Now, follow along if you can: a year ago, the SID responsible for football at ODU, Jamar, left to go to Norfolk State. If memory serves, this was right as the season started, which means the school had to promote Kim, the Assistant SID, to Associate SID (Jamar's job). Then they hired a guy named Dustin to be one of the office's two Assistant SIDs.

Per state law, both positions had to be re-opened after a year -- meaning ODU was accepting applications for both Associate and Assistant SID. To my knowledge, both Kim and Dustin re-applied for their positions. I applied for Assistant SID, not even wanting to touch the Associate position -- I'm not ready to handle football on my own, and Kim's been at ODU forever (since I was a student), so she's likely to get whatever position she wants.

I honestly did not expect to hear back from ODU; I figured this was just a formality and Kim and Dustin would keep their respective jobs. I mostly applied to a) get my name out there, and b) to say I tried, that way if the job does go to someone new, I don't wind up kicking myself for not applying for the job.

So how does all this make me feel?

Part of me is ecstatic. Part of me is nervous. Part of me wonders if the cosmos is about to pull the ultimate cock-tease on me (there's still a chance that all of this is just a formality). I've literally lost count of how many jobs I've applied for since January, and ODU is *the first* place to contact me in a manner other than "We hired someone else."

This is ODU. This is my alma mater; in many ways, this place is my home. The mere thought of working there brings a smile to my face. I can't remember the last time I wanted a job this much.

Not that I necessarily have anything against Hampton, despite the institutional flaws. That said, my current job is embarrassingly low-paying (as in, "I have a degree, I'm almost 30, and I make HOW MUCH?!") and I'm ready for the next professional step. Broadcasting is as difficult to break into as always, and I know the newspaper world is hopelessly defunct (and the Internet's as hard to break into as broadcasting). So Sports Information is my best avenue, and Assistant SID is the next logical step.

I'd have already taken that step, had Hampton decided to pay me instead of bringing in a brand new person (way to promote professional growth, guys ...).

I really want Thursday's interview to go well. I really want a face-to-face interview. I really want to take the next professional step, and I really want it to be at ODU. I wear the love for my alma mater on my sleeve, and it seems anymore that I'm truly happiest when I'm on ODU's campus.

Please let all of this be legit. Please let me get this job. Life will improve in so many ways if I get this job, and I can feel the desperation setting in. If I don't get this job -- considering my utter lack of ANY luck in job hunting -- then what am I going to do?

Tell you what, just give me the ODU job and we never have to answer that question.

8:26pm: Oof -- Again
So last night I made the decision to start writing creatively again. I'd come up with an idea for Script Frenzy, and it felt like some of the other muses that had been hiding within the crevices of my head were starting to return. It was an exciting moment, honestly, since I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt the rush of being creative.

Well ... fast-forward a day. I struggled through the first few pages of my Script Frenzy project before hitting a wall. I tried writing a solo piece for one of my other characters and got no further than watching the blinking cursor.

A small bump on the road back, or the all-too-swift return of writer's block?

I'm not sure, but I sincerely hope it's the former. Since I was in middle school, creative writing has been a part of my life. In a lot of ways, it's a part of who I am. Without a creative outlet in recent months, I've felt sort of incomplete. I want to get my muses back, and I want them to stay, not just because of potential monetary benefits should I ever finish a novel or a script, but also because writing is fun and it means a lot to my life.

I mean ... don't get me wrong. I enjoy writing for work, too. Writing about sports is also a large part of my life, but my creative side came first. That's the part I feel like I can least afford to lose.

8:29pm: Odds and Ends
-Both of Hampton's basketball games this past Monday were broadcast live on ESPNU; for the women's game, I was tapped to provide stats for the play-by-play guy during the broadcast. Basically, I kept in contact with the production truck and Maurice (who was the official stat-keeper), writing down nuggets to give the play-by-play guy. ESPN will pay me for the job, making this the easiest $150 I ever made. Which is nice, because ...

- ... I haven't had an assignment from the newspaper since November. I realize things quiet somewhat after football season ends, and I was away for a week back in December, but still -- the occasional assignment would be nice; especially with the other freelancers getting their share of the work.

-Cox 11 finally paid me the $50 they owed me for the football game I did on TV back in October. Only problem is, I never got a notice that they paid me; I only knew because I checked my account status online. At least when the Tribune Company pays me, they email me a few days beforehand to alert me to the pending deposit.

-I know I'm talking a lot of money stuff, but that's the big thing for me right now. I'm busy looking for other work -- newspapers, online outlets, radio, television, sports information, editing jobs, jobs that have nothing to do with sports. It's not that I'm unhappy with my job (just the check), but I feel like it's time for me to try and take that next professional step. And for the first time, I'm realizing I might have to leave the Hampton Roads area to do it. I don't necessarily want to leave, but if I have to, I will.

-I'm also looking into possibly getting novels and/or screenplays sold, and I'm even entertaining the idea of getting into comic books again. It'll be tough, but that is an avenue I'm willing to explore.

-I would love to get a higher-paying job that keeps me local, especially if my mother loses her job after this school year. It's a real possibility, since Virginia public schools are going to get reamed in budget cuts, and if she loses her job ... I'm not sure how we can pay for the house. Mom gets military retirement checks every month (because my dad was in the Air Force) and what amounts to monthly alimony from dad's estate. That pays her other bills -- but not the mortgage. And I don't make nearly enough to pay the mortgage. I could if Hampton University had decided to pay me to be the Assistant SID, but so it is. I hope she keeps her job -- I think people who work in the classroom should be the very last people cut -- but if she doesn't, we need to figure something out.

-On a brighter note, I've really enjoyed going to ODU basketball games of late. I've gone to two games with Kate, and it's been a lot of fun. ODU winning helps, but just spending time with an old friend is really the main thing for me.

2:37pm: Enlightened
I think I've finally figured out what my biggest problem with Hampton University is. It's not the institutional disorganization and ineptitude -- though that does bug me -- nor is the perpetual mediocrity of the sports and programs at this school that people actually care about.

No, it's the fact that no one really seems to care.

I realize there is no such thing as the perfect place or the perfect job; everywhere has its flaws. Hampton has bad policies and serious inter-departmental communication issues, and it seems that the sports teams that people actually care about around here -- football and basketball -- are stuck in this never-ending cycle of losing and apathy. But that's not the worst part.

The worst part is when people just shrug their shoulders and say, "That's Hampton for you."

Really? That's it? You're just going to sit back and let these things continue? It's okay when the deadline for holiday leave comes and goes with half the staff of the school not realizing it? It's okay to simply accept that departments can't communicate with each other, complicating and delaying important procedures and paperwork? That's perfectly acceptable?

I'm not so naive as to think that these are things that can be changed quickly or easily -- or even without a serious regime change at the top -- but it really fucking bugs me to see people just accept it. Apathy leads to atrophy, and I hate to see problems that can be fixed go untouched because people can't be bothered.

People and organizations should always strive to be better, even if their efforts aren't always successful. For the most part, I don't see that around here, and I'm not even close to the only one. Students and other faculty and staff members have said the same things, and from what I can tell, every attempt to fix a problem or right a wrong falls on deaf ears.

The apathy is sickening. I can't sit here and accept such excuses as, "That's how things are here," or "Well, you know, we're an HBCU ..." That becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and as someone who's had this attitude toward his own life, I'm starting to see how hurtful and annoying it can be.

I'm trying to do everything I can; I donate a small portion of every paycheck to the school's scholarship fund, because I want to do my part to let kids who might not be able to have an education gain access to one. I try to do my job better this year than I did last year, and I do my part to make sure the office I work in is more productive and better-run than it has been before.

It's disheartening to see so many others in this school not willing to do the same.

10:35am: Stuffs
I almost got that four-day weekend I was after; Hampton University closed on Thursday because of the tropical storm/nor'easter that decided to camp out in Hampton Roads and the North Carolina shoreline. Despite all the flooding and wind -- and the fact that almost every other school in the region closed today too -- HU opened a whopping two hours late.

Yippee ...

Our office, despite being on the second floor, is flood-prone. Gotta love roof leaks, which now infect the entire building (our volleyball match on Wednesday was pushed back a week because of water leaking into the gym). Maurice has a massive garbage can in the corner of his office for just this occasion; this morning, that trash can is completely full. Sitting here this morning, I feel like I need a boat.

You ask me, that's reason enough not to come into work today.

Speaking of, I applied a little over two weeks ago for an editor's position with the website change.org, where I would focus on four causes the site fights for, maintaining blogs and other website content, among other things. I finally heard back this morning -- one of those really polite "thanks, but no thanks" things. It wasn't entirely unexpected, since I have no professional experience in anything remotely political, but I'm glad I took the chance.

I also took advantage of my day off yesterday and applied for a job at Ohio University. The school there is looking for an Assistant Director of Media Relations (essentially, Assistant SID). The job description is right up my alley, and they're offering $29,000 a year, $1,000 more than Hampton would've paid me for the same position -- had they decided to actually pay me.

There would be logistic issues to consider if I were to get this job; how to move there, trying to find a place to stay if they hired me, etc. ... but how can I honestly expect my situation to improve if I don't actively try to make things better? The only way I'm gonna make things better for myself is to jump on opportunities when they come my way; sitting on my butt and letting things pass by out of fear or doubt won't do anything but depress me.

If I want things to get better, I need to do what I can to make sure that happens. If that means applying for jobs in other states, then so be it.

And if I don't get the job, I don't get the job. But at least I stuck my neck out there and applied for it.

12:11pm: Community
I know I've bitched and moaned a lot about how frustrating it can be at times to work here at Hampton University; between policies and the low pay and general disorganization within the university infrastructure, that's all true. But another thing is true, something I've been reminded of over the last two days.

The people who work here, practicularly those who work here in the Department of Athletics, are wonderful, caring people who act as a family, particularly in trying times.

The last few days have certainly qualified as trying times; on Saturday morning, men's basketball captain Theo Smalling was the victim of an accidental shooting, and for a few days was listed in critical condition. Last night, he died -- just days after his 22nd birthday and just three weeks before the start of his senior season. He was set to graduate this spring, and he was the basketball team's only captain, because of his maturity and his self-awreness.

Theo was also a kind young man and something of a cut-up; he always left you smiling and laughing. I didn't know him particularly well, but every time we came across each other on campus, he made a point to say hi. He also made a point to call me sir; the first time he called me sir, I laughed and told him that he didn't have to call me that. At 28, I'm far too young to be called sir, and I told him he could just call me Jeff.

Theo kept calling me sir. That told me what kind of person he was. That was why I decided to join a lot of my co-workers -- and both basketball teams -- last night at the hospital to see Theo and start saying our goodbyes. We all held out as much hope as we could, but realistically, we all knew the inevitable.

What I saw last night, aside from upset and grieving teammates and friends, was a university community coming together. Half the people there didn't know me by name, but no one ever asked why I was there. They were just glad I was, and I was glad I was. For all of Hampton University's imperfections, for all the frustration this place gives me at times, the people are second-to-none, and I'm glad to be part of the Pirates family.

I grieve for Theo today not becuause I lost a close friend, but because this family lost one of its members. The senseless nature of the tragedy makes it even harder -- the school reverend made mention of that in his prayer to us last night -- but the bottom line is we all lost a family member, and I wanted to be there last night to help anyone I could with the grieving process.

There'll be another tribute to Theo tonight at the Hampton Holiday Inn; I'm going to that, too, because this is about family. For better or worse, I'm a member of the Hampton University family, and I always will be -- even when I move on to do other things. That became especially evident to me last night, seeing all the familiar faces and noticing how they lit up and smiled, simply because I showed up.

When something like this happens, the entire community comes together. It wasn't that long ago that the University of Connecticut football team lost one of its players, and it touched me the way everyone rallied around that team and that school. Even rival West Virginia came together in solidarity before its game last weekend against Connecticut.

Now, I know exactly how that feels.

Theo Smalling will be missed by everyone here at Hampton University; even those of us who never truly knew him. And even in the face of this horrible campus-wide tragedy, I find a little solace knowing how tight-knit and strong this community is, and I'm glad I'm a part of it.

Our release on the tragedy: http://www.hamptonpirates.com/news/2009/10/26/MBB_1026091958.aspx